o c c i d o x y

Now, first of all, let me give you four basic proverbs, I
guess, about communication in marriage. I’m trying to be as pithy as I possibly can.
First, you have to—even though communication is so rapid-fire—you have to learn the
discipline of asking yourself, “What is the goal of this message I’m about to send?” You
have to ask, “What is my motive? I’m about to say something to my spouse that may be
confrontive or, maybe, critical. Why?”
It’s really hard to do. It’s really hard to slow your responses down and really ask
yourself, “Why am I sending this message?” But it’s critical—number one.3
Number two: The log out of your own eye—that basic biblical idea. Before you take the
speck out of your spouse’s eye, remove the log from your own eye. I can’t tell you how
important that has been to us over the years. Never start with, “Here’s what you’ve
done,” and then later on, I get to what I’ve done. “Here’s what I’ve done.” Start pointing
to yourself—absolutely crucial. Start every conversation like that, certainly every one
where you’re talking about a difference of opinion. Start that way. That’s the second.
Third: Attack the problem, not the person. This is an incredible discipline. Let’s just
say the wife finds that the husband has forgotten a birthday or an anniversary or
some—again. Now there’s two ways you can go about it. She can say, “You’re so
thoughtless,” or she can say, “You repeatedly forget these special dates, even though
you continually tell me you’re not going to. What are we going to do about it?”
See the first is attacking the person, “You’re so thoughtless.” The second is saying,
“We’ve got a problem. What are we going to do about it?” So actually consider this—
the next time you have a problem with your spouse, consider this template. Start like
this:
“As I see it, you’re doing this. It’s affecting me like this. I wish you would do this
instead, but I need to find out whether I’m missing something. Tell me, do I have this
right or not?” If you are able to talk like that—ask for those four things when you’ve got
a problem. If you’re able to slow your responses enough to put your problem in that
shape, then you’re attacking the problem, not the person; and you’ll make some
progress.
Fourth, and I really needed to learn this: You have to make it safe for your spouse to
criticize. You have to create a safe environment. Now, surprisingly, there might be
some interesting ways that you may use to make it unsafe. We all know that if your
spouse comes and criticizes you and you just blow up, or you attack back, that’s not
making it safe for the person to say, “I’ve got a problem.”
But in my case, what I do is, I apologize really quickly. See, it’s very spiritual. If Kathy
comes and tries to say something to me, “I’ve really got a problem with you here,”—“Oh,
I’m so sorry. I’m so wrong.” I get, “Oh, I—Ohh!” Kathy starts to say, “Forget it,”
(Laughter) which is exactly what I want in my heart of hearts. You see, because by
being so spiritual, by apologizing so abjectly, I’ve made it impossible for her—it’s unsafe
for her to say, “I’m really unhappy with you.” Now, it’s not legitimate because, “The poor
guy is a massive, smoking wreckage. I have to back away.”
There are all sorts of ways—by apologizing too much, explaining too much, attacking
back and arguing too much. When your spouse comes to criticize you, the most
important thing you can do is to slow your responses down and give your spouse
permission to keep on talking. Your first response ought to be, “I didn’t realize that. I
didn’t understand that. Would you please tell me more?” 4
So there are the four things. Do this and you will live—important safety tip. Okay.